World

 

13 March 2016 at 11_00 am 7409 Highland Drive Hermitage, TN 37076.jpeg
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Depression 

Anhedonia 

Isolation 

Memory

Diagnosis 

Cycles

Depersonalisation

Checking behaviours 

Detachment

Perfectionism

Crassness

Conformity

Manipulation

Algorithms

Propaganda / algorithm stir pot filled with photoshopped images generalising generations

Word control

Irrational advertising 

Money that doesn’t exist owed with interest

Cognitive dissonance 

Hysteria filled discussions that become like a zoo

Herd mentality 

Corruption of humanities & economics 

Identity politics

Polarisation

Trading transactions that take milliseconds, is it healthy

People not going directly to the person they have a problem with

Some peoples wanting to be right rather than be open to individual opinion

Having difficult conversations 

Twelve years in twelve minutes

The hopes and fears of the world 

personal experiences 

The things we are fighting against 

affected by modern technology

Seeing the world

Memories of movement and changed in shape between us

People become worlds and worlds reach out

Every world is different and cannot be defined by a single line or shape

that tells us what we are 

We are that ever changing mind and the smile that brought by the memory of good people that have left us. 

For the people that have taken them away from some of us, they rest in worlds that crash with shape and scratch all memory from the soul of mankind.

We are all different and will forever be until the end

When my mind has changed for the last time i will warm some bodies mind with the smile that says


This is a story about what it is like for a lot of people in the world today.


The whole crux of human survival - being able to understand another human being when we are all unique. Notes on blindness - John Hull.



 

Even though I am a lot luckier than many of the people I know it does not suddenly stop me from being a human being. The most important message is can we understand each other. Understand what it’s like to be someone else. We are all unique so can anyone really see what you others see. There are common themes I that we can all agree on though. This will ultimately be the making or breaking of our world. As most people can see the division and how people are being controlled by words. You will meet people who have already formed an opinion on you based on, fed words, stereotypes but basically nothing. Breaking up people who are just people. Since the whole gestation of Neoliberalism has happened pretty much during my life cycle so far.

This is all I can do. Nothing has changed for me since being a teenager. I still have the same ideals, dreams, thoughts. Of course I have changed a lot as everyone does, neuro plasticity, but the foundation, the core is still the same. Was it nature or nurture. All that I know is I am lucky and never made any point about it. I just went on quietly being opened to everything experience wise and it ultimately made me what I am today. Very open, thoughtful, un-judgemental, rational, emotional, wanting to really push and understand people. My writing and art work is at it’s weakest point so all I have left is to just do because time and urgency. My contribution to changing the world. I think there are plenty more young people who would defy any of the labels and other complete garbage thats thrown around. I was born in December 1980 and that is it. Nothings really changed much it’s just there are more people on the planet. 

If you suppress one thing in yourself them the other things get suppressed. Suppress the bad and the good will be suppressed.  

Have a mind of your own, be vulnerable and be strong at the same time, fail alot, and then come together in solidarity to change the world for the better, and to end things for good. 

It’s not really better. not enough to make the smallest of changes. Empty floundering. So i’m going to put everything into it next year. With flat emotions, no emotions the work will end up flat. But I can’t wait anymore hoping that It will just lift. There is no magic no smart tuned sense. I’m done in. Everything is getting smaller.

In the end too many people are getting away with things. Some small fight in a failing frame, but I remember you and you won’t be able to get off lightly. 


I will not be using social media again. Only perhaps to post project updates. Actually I remember it being good that none of this stuff existed when I was studying. I only used email three times in the whole three years between 2000 - 2003. After never much using social media except for facebook for some reason I thought I would give it a go to try and promote some work and after just a bit more than 2 years from 2016 - 2018 of using it I still don't like it at all. Then worst of all I got sucked into my worst self or maybe it was just sharing an opinion. All opinions are allowed and it's not about being right or wrong it's about having a mind of your own. I get angry which normal for everyone.

There are loads of ways that are free to understand what is going on in the world. I go to the library quite regularly. Apps with free books, youtube. Books cost less that one bear. You know I went to art college, had to take my maths GCSE again in sixth-form. It doesn't take much but simply to have a good rational thinking and and yet there is this . If you want to know and most people are inquisitive unless your are a robot indoctrinated people protecting the very system that is destroying you. Everything I learnt about how the world works I learned out of school, of course no surprises there. So why do I share it on social media because I think it is interesting and thoughtful it means something. I want other people to see it . Actually it is pretty pointless because i'm putting it on social media.

I know it's difficult when your tired from work but I guess thats how the system works.  

I know probably alot of people do know whats going on out there. If I didn't care at all then why would I bother at all. 

We are all imperfect and single label can define us. Catch us at different times in our lives and frankly it is not fair to judge. The two main being never to judge anyone or compare yourself.

We are all different some in more obscure different ways. But most people understand everyone is complicated. Not everyone can see eye to eye and that's perfectly normal too. Have I been this way alot of my life as in quiet, then yes even with my parents I am the same. There are plenty of people that see this as being what it is and others that are not so open. Yes it is completely down to subjective opinion. Can I be quiet soft and kind or am I edgy, but I probably all of these things. There is no one  label for anyone. But is very interesting how peoples opinion differs. For example am I selfish and who hasn't been at some point in there life. I've been all these things done all these things - 

 

Given and remained anonymous which is the best feeling.

Friend of the earth and action for the blind which are now

When I have been forgetful 

When I have been more selfish 


I am dreaming less and less and feeling less and less. Fear memories just don't seem the same anymore. That feelings are connected to memory and if I no longer feel I am loosing memories present memories. Past memories are in danger fading and reminding me what I should do. Art became less fun, too serious and my thoughts were all wrong. I knew that I was going in the wrong direction but could not seem to turn things around. Dreams seem more emotional and I feel like I used to feel when I was not flat. Sometimes coming out an emotional dream I can feel free but the effect gradually fades quickly.




It is hard to tell how far off track I am. Stagnation, rumination and regurgitation of twelve years of ideas. No longer having ideas and depression making me feel like thoughts are not my own. Being at the bottom of confidence and belief. Taking two medications. The most disheartening thing is I can not think or feel like I used too.Speech 

I’m some kind of megalomaniac that gets mis read 

people want to reduce you to one thing when people are much more complicated than that 

it just sounds way too much like a bully would do

we cry we feel brave at the same time not what lots of things in the world have told you

there are alot of false lessons 

i don’t care am I edgy sometime yes 

this is me and there are far worse people out there

peoples brains are constantly changing 

are some people very different we are all different

i get knocked by people who want the same things that I want in the world

I do what I always have done which to go on expressing through art trying stay informed not judging people

being knocked and still not judging. 

It’s a passive and quiet existance 

i take 40mg of citalopram every day

I try to make changes

solidarity and a mind of my own

always searching and never fed

I’m some kind of megalomaniac that gets mis read 

people want to reduce you to one thing when people are much more complicated than that 

it just sounds way too much like a bully would do

we cry we feel brave at the same time not what lots of things in the world have told you

there are alot of false lessons 

i don’t care am I edgy sometime yes 

this is me and there are far worse people out there

peoples brains are constantly changing 

are some people very different we are all different

i get knocked by people who want the same things that I want in the world

I do what I always have done which to go on expressing through art trying stay informed not judging people

being knocked and still not judging. 

It’s a passive and quiet existance 

i take 40mg of citalopram every day

I try to make changes

solidarity and a mind of my own

always searching and never fed

Do I have something to say




I want that thoughtful emotional boy back.

2001 It was the only time a girl took a picture of me because she wanted too.

I knew before before now I can’t remember.

The memory thing is a hindrance in how well I am going to be able to make the film next year.

I have to decide who I am now.

The comfort, that I felt it too, as well as the lady I was sitting next too.

Some thoughts and they pass and never come back. You feel like there must be something wrong and it will come back but it doesn’t. Just in different ways in the future. But these could just be all the chemicals in your brain. 

Don’t have a leg to stand on. Not judging looking at the reasons why someone would do that. 

The older I get the more flawed I am. The more I fail the more I learn. Maybe some people do stay purely quiet and never get angry because of their nature, but considering I was that way at school and then I changed means frankly it can happen to anyone. Yeah sure I was lucky to have the things growing up to create the understanding, but everyone still has to work everyday at being the best person that they can be because people will test you. Especially if you are in any way an idealist. 

Doing things you say you wouldn’t. We all do it because we are all flawed and human.

The world is conspiring against me with dross and bile. 

I still don't care enough in the way I should and nothing seems to shake

Me awake. 

What have you done. What a waste.

The organisation of work led to compulsive actions leading into actions at home. I found the only coping strategy which was to burry it. Which I know was wrong but I couldn’t find another way in that situation. The bedroom felt flat but oddly the lounge space felt different. But over time like everything else it became flatter and flatter. The thought had become too quick to act against. 

Labels. I know I am a man, all the rest is undefinable. The only way to evolve is in your head. I am not defined my work it is neither male or female and you might not be able to tell sometimes, but the human conscious is. The complexities of everything. Become undefinable by your presence. Don’t put yourself in any more boxes than already exist. The persecution goes on, just for using my brain a little. It is ok if you are quite young actually pretty young because you have not been taught yet. 

Why is so much based on nothing.

You really put two and two together there, or was it nothing and nothing together.

unbalance of the balance that was there. Susceptible because of illness but something has changed. 




1980

It matters what I do at the end, not that I’ve done anything very bad during my life. The usual flawed things.

Making peace with death. I’m not sitting on the fence. Why do I have to make a decision. Maybe there are more options. The choice in mr nobody. Just exploring the world with a wonder and excitement that I hope never dies. Also actually I hope we are all wrong because frankly we are human and we are all flawed, about what we think the afterlife is. Maybe it will be something we could never imagine. Just lying in a bed in our highly fragile body. Am I lucky not to be a sadistic, killer wanting to rule everything. Does everybody want to rule the world, as the song goes? Well actually I wanted to change the world in some way for the better when I was twenty. Or have, that response which is what most people want, which is acknowledgement that I’m here. Over time I actually decided that I wanted to make the world a better place in a smaller way. Because I don’t know, thorough intensive programming seems to feed one version of success where even the people in the video have a massive book case but also five cars. Maybe that’s what you want then ok, but then some don’t know how to deal with it probably because it’s not what they actually wanted. Every bodies idea of success is different and I will not be fed the one version of it.

Why the effort. I know this is a stupid question, but I just want to make an acerbic comedy comment. For me it matters what happens at the end of this film. It shouldn’t matter, because all of the imperfections, failures and flaws that came before. I hope that I’m embraced, because I’m the same and not the same anymore.

So what happened, I stay out so I could know myself and than I went backwards and started not believing in myself. Was it me or the control. 

I'm doing this for most. I don't know what the big deal is about me to be offended. I just one person, what have I done exactly. I know some people's judgement is based on words and words used to separate and control people. Some people just hate me also probably based on nothing. Yes I know not everyone can get along. So 2019 is the epochal year of fight with no wasted. My mind is shot, so I'm just going to do the best I can do. I had love through everything now I can't even operate.  Cancerous docile and it hasn’t stopped. I haven’t got it out of my head. Three years including one damaging.

Detrimental. Cycle even though we know.  Hopefully memory will prevent us from repeating our mistakes. Pressuring myself because I thought I had something. But I have most likely already done that. Was it the world or me. It is savagely strange. After the part when I could not fight anymore. The next. Glass steigall act. 

Changed. I've done my job so it doesn't matter. 

less than a hand full of encouragement but that is enough to see me through. 

You know I tried so hard and I still failed but it doesn't mean the end. 

Self deprecating even accepted when it wasn't my fault. 

I am not the person to make that film. I do what I can as I am only one human being.

Which would you prefer, for me get angry and ask why did you do that, or ask -are you ok?


The fluke 

Nuclear war, not war a pressing of a buttons and world end and the few left fight over the scraps of land that are not radiated. 

Suns not pointing in our direction. 

Companies model of consuming On a planet with finite resources.

Helium running out - mri 



The result everyone is right and wrong and everyone got fucked by the system and word programming. 

Diagram pictorial of CDO  

It's interesting you do the most right you can do, which fluctuates every day because we are human and then few oddities are pounced on. Some maybe wrong but then I was not with it at all. None of the ones before which were mistakes. I forgot there were two things when I said there was one just because I had an off day and forgot and yet I am called a liar. but the one at the end is noted. And are only looked on negatively because that is the first reaction from a mind that thinks the world is against them. If it's not addressed to look think at why things happen in more than one way then that is quite damaging for everyone. The person stuck in their head will become even more convinced and stresses themselves out and the damage to person at the other end Interestingly I did nothing different for years but everything else around me changed. I can't believe why people would take it out on me for doing a bit of research. Looking at someone at the end and judging is discounting everything.   Jumping in the middle of someone’s book. 



young peoples future - to mobilise and organising 

It spoke pretty loudly

Why doesn’t someone make a website to really organise, give the information of the solutions like.

Don’t define yourself 

You are not going to get through to them in a locked in state.

It’s just not an environment that’s possible or conducive to making any real change. The best change i can make is outside and that may have no impact either.

The nearest person gets it.

Because you have to think about what’s actually affecting the world and that doesn’t have a face, so likely you will go to something you can affect. 

This is the problem with life it goes on and not everyone thinks about it. Is that ok. Why do people react in different ways in different situations. I know because from my limited studies of the mind it ultimately we are irrational very complicated beings. Due our many years of development nurture environment.

I wonder what life would be if things were dealt with earlier. If you thinks that’s who you are and think that’s ok why not challenge that. It could open a whole new chance of opportunities. Why settle for. I would listen, you don’t have to agree with everything but shutting completely out. If a friend says, then are they your friend, should you listen it would very much depend on situation. When enough people say the same thing about a person (unless it some kind of herd mentality) then I would hope the person would take note. Because it might be true in that situation. We have varying levels of awareness of ourselves and some people are completely unaware. Subjective experience. 

At the end those thrown away things are not the same for everybody and person who said the many things will at the end of the day have to live with them. People who find me threatening can clearly see I have done some work and that maybe the whole reason. I’m nothing no ultra smart but to lash out do you understand everything, do I, no. 




One word is crude and inhuman. For most people they hobble around the world. Some days they help someone, like an old lady across the street. Next we don't realise something. We walk past encumbered by our thoughts.




Most of the small kind acts that we all do are not known. Every day is different we fail, we help, we forget and maybe we do something wrong. When the world changes around you even though for years you have done exactly the same you know something is not neutral. It’s time to leave because it’s not a future I want or most people. 

Indifferent. 




Solutions for young people to choose to make a future. So many hour or more discussions end with five minute solutions. Documentary films also in which its barley seconds. Please someone make a one and half hour Documentary of just solutions. Because to me it’s just all unorganised. If there was a meeting place for like minded people. MK library had like one discussion about this. 

Once young people have the solutions then they have to create some kind of movement in a new way. Because I doubt the solutions will be voteable in a party manifesto and if they are a few of those promises in a party it highly unlikely they will be made real. 

Outside of the system. Long term plans for humanity. 







Thirty seven years. We end up doing what we said we wouldn’t do.

To add another voice and if the one achievement is to motivate someone then my job is done. 

Don’t see it or are just frustrated with the scene, or I can do that. The kind of film they want to see.

I find it hard to believe that I’m a man from     , and that’s it or is it everything. I’m not perfect but I worked really hard, but I don’t think I have ever gone out of my way on a constant basis to be really horrible to another human being. The same disagreements everybody has. I try to put in an unhealthy amount of effort in to being self aware and why people might be acting the way they are. I don’t even know this is possible. I’m no Jeffery Damer, no . So I can sleep easy at night, except I dream. Dreams can be anything, the darkest most sexual breath, light and forgive full and yet I’ve done nothing. Why am I a threat? Stay in a town mad, think about helping the world. Still I haven’t done anything. Live with the craziest edge, end up in a field shot. I dreamed a lot, and still we are all cast out. Multiple views on who he was. But the human among us knew he spoke to us. None of the things in their heads mattered. For it was all affected with what they were dealing with. Most of it was the same as the man who shot himself in the field. But they failed to notice. They weren’t lobotomised, they were controlled by words. The factor controlling everything. Unplugging, reducing and shutting off. The pallets were burned and the tents too. The day before someone spoke to the homeless. The old ladies house was burnt to the ground together with her research. The cure for cancer. Dreams maimed by words and everything else gone. 




How you deal with the thoughts in your own head. Balancing not letting it become compulsive.

The only way to order them was 

If your in a life trapped cycle. I only had one option, to take a risk because it was killing me. So you have to rebel. Everyone is getting cut and maimed by it. It not you against me, it not I’m right and your wrong. The bigger picture is everybody is behaving irrationally because A we are human beings and B the system, neoliberalism, individual success what ever you want to call it is stretching people. It simply does not have to be that way. If you want to take constant chucks out of people everyday and I understand the reasons why you are angry and lashing out. But it is not normal and I don’t want it for anyone. None of us have that much control but we can . I know I am lucky and other people don’t have the kinds or any options available to them. So I have the options and I’m going to use them. We end up doing what we said we wouldn’t do, even much smarter people than me have done the same. There is no illusion that that is going to prevent you from loosing control. We are at the mercy of a three pound organ that can be programmed to do anything, we can be anything and throughout my life I have also been internally destructive. The human condition, he built it and he will be the one that destroys it all. As with so many people in history this is a much a part of. We don’t like or find it very difficult admitting sever faults in our selves, so if it’s our fault about the world. Doing a small part is all we can do. Which hopefully adds up to a large change. I am just one human being I and we can only put a certain amount of pressure on ourselves. Some people do do more. The fossils, comprehending time, the Amazon,

You can overload and then you become unable to help in any way. 

The only way is to deal with all the thoughts inside your head. Work on being the best person you can be everyday. Change gets harder as you get older but it is still possible. It took me 150 days to change my thoughts on one issue. The problem might be that your in an environment that just makes it impossible to change because it is awful or just become so cyclical and you can’t break it. Don’t ever let them tell you it is easy.

Have I forgotten you, are you still out there. Is this your last Christmas, is this mine, and is it all of ours. I know you are, and I will be there. To your end and mine, we will be as we were.